Homer Simpson- favorite quotes

• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. 
• Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. 
• Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' 
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now! 
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! 
• Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. 
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. 
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! 
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. 
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. 
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. 
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. 
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman. 
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? "
• 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?"

Favorite Signs

I have compiled a list of some of my all time favorite signs and warning labels. enjoy :)

 

Random Fact of the Day

Tasmanian Devils store fat in their tail, so when one is unhealthy they usually have a very thin tail.

Head Shrinkerism

I have noticed, that compared to a few years ago, females' heads have been shrinking. here is a visual representation of that shrinkage. 

SET, only 119 definitions!

The word set has the most definitions in the English language. It claims the title with a whopping 119 definitions. if you feel like learning all the definitions click Here. It should keep you busy for a few hours.

P's and Q's

Many times i have heard the phrase 'Mind your P's and Q's" and consequently, many times i have wondered what the heck P's and Q's even were. These were a few possible explanations:


Pigs and Quails?
Pennies and Quarters?
Papayas and Quinces? (Imagine a lemon and a pear made a baby. That's what a quince would look like.)
Pies and Quiches?
Pentagons and Quadrilaterals?


But none of them made sense. so finally i decided to get on the good 'ol internet and look it up.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. And That's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Running in Gym

So, I don't really get how gym teachers expect us to run the whole time they tell us to.


Gym Teacher: "Okay class, 7 minutes!!! Go!"
Class: "UGH!!!"
Gym Teacher: "It's not going to help your cardiovascular fitness if you don't run the whole time!"
One really ditzy girl: "Uhh... What's car-di-ohh-vas-cuu-larr fitness? I don't get it...."


So then everybody starts speedwalking while making large flailing movements with their limbs to make it look like they are running for 7 minutes.


But, if the gym teachers really wanted us to run they should probably imply one of these methods. Cause I know it would actually make me run.

PS: I did not draw that cool dragon.

Random Fact of the Day

Colgate , the toothpaste company, faced a big problem when trying to 
advertise their product in spanish speaking countries.
Why? Because in spanish, colgate means 'Go hang yourself!'

Random Fact of the Day

Here's some irony for you, Mel Blanc, the voice of the popular cartoon character, Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.

The Stairs of Evil

It's like two in the morning, you're alone, downstairs all by yourself, and now it's time to leave the security of your blanket and brave the terrors of THE STAIRS OF EVIL. 


You will most likely escape the death that surly awaits in the dark at the bottom of the stairs if you sprint up to the safe haven that awaits you upstairs.


This is a visual diagram of the danger of evil stairs at night:

You can't just amble up the stairs in the dark if you want to escape with your life. No, you have to run like the wind, like you have never run before, like you are running away from a rabid bear on fire trying to attack you. Yeah, that fast.

Because when you are in the danger zone, there's no tellin' what's gonna get ya.

Syrup Lover's Sale

While I was on a wonderful adventure in the supermarket yesterday I saw Hannah Montana juice and this... 

A whole stockpile of 'Pancake Syrup Imitation'.


This brings up a number of points.


#1. We all know it's fake, but did you have to put it in the title?!


#2. Pancake syrup? what if someone wants to eat it with waffles? or Sausage? or Oatmeal? I don't know what people eat syrup with...


#3. Who the heck buys a gallon of syrup? I'm pretty sure nobody loves syrup that much.


#4. I'm pretty sure that fortress of syrup bottles contains enough calories to make the entire population of South Africa overweight.


#5. You can save 60¢ on Pancake Syrup Imitation!!!


If you want to save right now on Pancake Syrup Imitation then head on down to your local Fresh Market (*Cough* Albertsons)!!! Hurry now while supplies last.

Hannah Montana now made with 100% Juice

So by now I have seen Hannah Montana's face on EVERYTHING,(<--- epic use of underlining, caps, bold, highlighter, and italics!) lunchboxes, t-shirts, clocks, lip gloss, you name it. but this Hannah Montana item tops it all...

as you can see from my crappy cell phone photo, this is Hannah Montana's face on juice. yes, juice. i'm sorry, but that just crosses the line! do you see Justin Beiber's face on juice? what about Shakira or Ke$ha? (well Ke$ha doesn't even spell her name with letters so that shouldn't be advertised to children)No,you don't because normal pop stars do not advertise on juice bottles. My goodness. 

My Favorite Scary Movies

This is a list of my all time scary movies. if you don't like scary movies, well then you're just no fun.


#10. The Poltergeist
#9. The Shining
#8. The Excorist
#7. Paranormal Activity
#6. Halloween
#5. Friday the 13th 
#4. The Uninvited
#3. Scream
#2. The Ring
#1. A Haunting in Connecticut

Your Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Kit

You have probably seen on the news lately that a zombie apocalypse is past due. It is possible that a zombie infestation could start at any moment. That is why you need to create Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Kit!!


The First thing you will need is to do is head on over to your local Zombie Mart. Zombie Mart has zombie killing tools for everyone's tastes and price ranges. it's pretty much my favorite store :D

While you are in Zombie Mart you need to pick up a few essentials. One of them is Zombie Spray. Zombie Spray is a useful tool to use while starting up your chainsaw. Spray the zombies coming towards you with your Zombie Spray, this will buy you time while you start up your ZOMBIE KILLER PRO Chainsaw.

Another Tool you need for sure when fighting Zombies is a cool Chainsaw. Chainsaws are necessary for decapitating bloodthirsty zombies in an awesome fashion. I recommend the ZOMBIE KILLER PRO. It's a little more pricey than the average zombie killing chainsaw, but totally worth it.

The last thing you need is a great zombie killing song. there are hundreds of great songs you could listen to while wiping out the zombie population, but i strongly suggest you listen to 300 Violin Orchestra (click the link to hear the song)

With all these items you will be ready for a Zombie Apocalypse whenever it strikes.

Happy Hunting!

How to Increase your coolness with 10 new words

You are probably wondering how you can look about 20 times cooler than you actually are, so I suggest adding some british slang to your vocabulary!

1: Barmy. It means you have gone mad or crazy.
ex: You must be barmy for not liking the Ellen DeGeneres show!

2: Blinkered. It means you are narrow minded.
ex: You are so blinkered! Of course cats can learn to flush the toilet!

3: Bloody. It is used as an exclamation.
ex: Bloody marvelous, Bloody aweful, Bloody hell-icopter, etc.

4. Blooming. a replacement word for Bloody.
ex: Blooming mad, Not blooming likely, etc.

5: Mate. Friend.
ex: Leave that kid alone, he's my best mate!

6: Bung. To throw.
ex: Hey, bung my car keys over here, mate!

7: Jolly. It means very.
ex: That's jolly good mate!

8: Kip. it means to nap.
ex: Yesterday i fell asleep in front of the TV and had a short kip!

9: Lurgy. It means to be ill or sick.
ex: Don't touch Jimmy! He has the lurgy!

10: Naff. It means uncool. you can also use it as a politer way to say  "(insert swear word here) off!!!"
ex: That barbie lunchbox is really naff, thomas.
      Naff off!

Dieting Tips for the Modern Woman

Now I know a lot of people are tying to lose weight these days, so, I decided to give the world a few pointers!


1: Calories don't count if you eat in the dark.
2: Samples at Costco don't count for calories
3: If you are eating with friends calories don't count
4: If a cake has happy birthday written on it, then it has no calories
5: If you eat while exercising the calories don't count (standing, walking, and flexing your glutes while sitting, counts as exercise)
6: If somebody gives you the food(you don't buy it) then it has no calories
7: If you only take ONE bite of the said food item no matter how big, there are no calories.
8: If you eat in front of the TV the calories don't count. (the radiation from the TV counteracts with the calories)
9: Frozen foods have no calories because only hot food has calories.
10: If nobody sees you eat it then it has no calories.


Now that you know these tips you can have a beautiful bikini model body in no time!

Random Fact of the Day

I haven't posted a random fact in a while, so, here's another one!

The average chocolate bar has 3-8 insect legs in it...
so every time you take a nice big bite out of a hershey's bar you might be getting a little more than you bargained for.

Oh well! Hey, at least it's a good source of protein ;)

Birdbrain? I think not.

If somebody ever calls you a birdbrain again take it as a complement! This bird is so smart! don't jump to conclusions about animal inteligence! they are a lot smarter than you think(and a lot smarter than most people I know) this really shows the potential of animals.

The Walmart Cycle of Death

It starts like this:

1st: you hear ad that tells you that Walmart has low prices and you'll "save money. live better."


2nd: then you go to Walmart because you want to save money and they have low prices


3rd: you see all their things with ''low prices" and buy tons of crap you don't need


4th: now you are poor for spending all your money on Walmart junk


5th: so then you start to shop at Walmart again because you need to "save money. live better."

The cycle continues.

What's wrong with this photo?

Fail.

one of the 15 best things about our pubic schools obviously isn't spelling.

Koolicles

So, apparently a new snacking sensation has been sweeping the nation, and by ''the nation'' I mean Mississippi. They are known as Koolicles. Pickles soaked in Kool-Aid. Yuck. I'm not sure who came up with this idea of a bright red, cherry kool-aid flavored,  pickle, but they are a little crazy. Maybe it was a pregnant woman with really bad cravings? I'm not sure. But if you actually want to try this outrageous pickle, here's the recipe. 


Koolicles:

Save the pickle brine
1/2 gallon of strong cherry koolaid (2 packets koolaid and 3 cups sugar
Add the reserved quart of brine, making about 3 quarts of cherry brine
Split dills in half
Pack in jars
Pour the sweet cherry brine over them
Refrigerate for about a week. 


then, if you dare... eat...

Random Fact of the Day

The sound of E.T. walking in the movie, E.T., was made by the sound of a girl squishing her hands in jelly. 

But the question is.... Grape or Strawberry?

Do you have to ruin every song known to man?

Dear Lowbook Sales,

I am really sick of hearing your dumb commercials where they take a perfectly good song and ruin it by turning it into a car commercial. Every time I hear one my ears start to bleed and I strongly consider jumping off a cliff. If I hear one more of your commercials I don't know what i'll do to myself. So for my safety and well being please stop making your commercials.

Sincerely,

    Erin

Friends FOREVER.

Parents always tell you not to worry about the people in high school, because "you won't be friends with them in 10 years anyway" 

PARENTS ARE DEAD WRONG.

Hello, people! Facebook?

Random Fact of the Day

Iridescent beetle shells were the source of the earliest eye glitter ever used. This advance in eye makeup technology was developed by the ancient egyptians.

"What's your job?"
"I crush up beetle shells to make makeup"
"Oooouuuhhhh....."
"Yeah...."

A Change in Fashion

I decided I am so very happy normal guys in this day and age don't wear short shorts while playing basketball like they used to back in the day. yuck. hairy man thighs. Oh man, thank you so much basketball short inventor person :)

NOT having a whale of a time.

In Tiaji, Japan every year thousands of smart, talented, playful beings are bloodily slaughtered each year. These beings are the beautiful and majestic dolphin.

There is a cove in Tiaji, Japan, that looks so beautiful and peaceful. This cove is filled with clear blue water and enclosed on three sides (perfect for concealing what is actually happening in the cove). But 6 months out of the year it is a slaughter house. Up to 2,000 dolphins are killed in Tiaji alone each year, and around 20,000 in all of Japan.

Dolphins are the most social creatures on the planet. They often, both male and females, stay in the same pod for life. Dolphins are also the only known animals that will come to the rescue of a human being. They are recognized for their friendliness, often coming closer to people when near, and swimming around them while investigating and playing. They might even be on the same intelligence level of humans. Their brain size is larger, they can understand around 90 words in sign language, and are even self aware.

So why would somebody abuse this curious animal? Why would somebody kill thousands of dolphins for food when they aren't even safe for human consumption? Why would somebody kill an innocent and helpless mother and her baby dolphin calf? Why?

Dolphin meat is not safe for people to eat. And many times people who buy dolphin meat in Japan don't even know they are, because dolphin meat is sold a lot as counterfeit meat from a much larger whale. Many packages of dolphin meat are purposely mismarked as more expensive whale meat. In addition to that, the mercury content in dolphin and whale meat is extremely high and unsafe for eating. Hundreds of samples of dolphin meat tested from around Japan has all been shown to be toxic and far exceeds their own ministry of health recommendations. Some internal organ meat for sale at the Okura markets near Taiji was analyzed to have 5000 times more mercury than the health advisory of 0.4 ppm(parts per million). 5000 times. wow. Having too much mercury in your body leads to things like skin discoloration, swelling, shedding of skin, hypertension, muscle weakness, kidney disfunction, rashes, and even the loss of hair, teeth, and nails. The Japanese government was also trying to serve dolphin meat in schools for free. The horribly hight mercury content is very harming for children especially, and they wanted to serve it in schools?!

What is Japan's way of justifying their dolphin slaughter? Pest control. Yes, they view dolphins as pests. apparently, the Japanese government thinks dolphins are eating too much of their fish. So, the best way to save the fish for the greedy people? controlling the pests who eat them all, the dolphins. It is insane. Dolphins are NOT pests, they are creatures that should be protected and loved. Not viewed as ''pests''.

If you want to help save the dolphins and learn more about it I suggest watching "The Cove", Ric O'Barry, star of Flipper goes into Tiaji to expose the dolphin slaughter to the world through this documentary. You can also go to www.takepart.com/thecove or http://www.thecovemovie.com/ . Sign the petition. Support the cause. Save the dolphins.

Random Fact of the Day

Why have all my random facts been gross? Well, here's another one for ya!

By the time you get rid of your bed it weighs 8 pounds more than it did when you bought it. Why? you may ask. because that's how much dead skin you shed and is left in your bed.

Yeah, try to go to sleep tonight without thinking about that :P

Imitation Pasturized Processed Cheese Food

What Is The World Coming To?

Today for lunch we were having hamburgers, but we needed buns and cheese. So, my dad, being the nice guy he is, ran to the store to pick up the items quickly. He got the buns and got something that he thought looked like american cheese..... it wasn't.

What he actually bought was Imitation Pasturized Processed Cheese Food. I'm not even kidding that's what the label said!!! What the heck?! What  is this world coming to? where has all the normal food gone? Now I know that American Cheese isn't really health food, but still. I can't believe they sell Imitation Pasturized Processed Cheese Food. Or that they would straight out tell you it isn't even real food.

Stuff like this is what's contributing to America's child obesity crisis. Actually it doesn't even have to be a child. Look around people! SO MANY kids are very obese. Kids! Kids who should be active and running around outside and playing. But no. Us americans sit on our fat butts and eat Imitation Pasturized Processed Cheese Food. I swear if you found 100 random people and looked at their BMI at least half of the people would be over weight. Eww. 

Random Fact of the Day

Here's somthing weird I learned today:

The hippopotomus has skin one and a half inches thick. It's so solid that most bullets can't go through it. Cray-zay!

Random Fact of the Day

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all the contents of it's stomach, and then swallows the stomach back down.

Yuck. Imagine being a frog with food poisoning....